Our Queen

In "our home" we have a queen and a wannabe. I am just an old woman who lives with two dogs -- female schnauzers. I refer to them as my girls. And they are!! My older one is Sassy Jane who is the queen of the house - and she knows it. My younger one is Piper -- Piper is a little type one personality girl who is the wannabe and she may be! My Sassy is laid back and easy. Piper is pushy, hyper, proactive, and impulsive. She knocks Sassy around when she can until Sassy "takes a stand." Then things change somewhat. But it does not discourage Piper -- she just keeps on trying!
Sassy has not been well for a while. She has a limp that seems to be getting worse. She has been to the vet several times for this and it has been x-rayed. The vet says the elbows of each front leg show arthritis. So Sassy has been medicated and is taking Adequan shots given by humanoid Mommy. Adequan is supposed to help rebuild the cartilage in the joint. We will see. Sassy also has bladder stones and has been treated for bladder infections for it seems like four months. First one kind and then another - each requiring a different kind of antibiotic. She keeps me broke.
Nevertheless she is the queen. She was a Christmas gift to me the year that Ken died. She gave me a reason to function on days that are now long past. What I am trying to say is that she needed to be cared for, she was now mine, and required my care. We bonded and became a family. When she had been with me for about five years she had bladder stones that had to be removed. The night before her surgery one lodged and blocked the passage of urine. After we got her through that crisis I got the bright idea that she needed a sister. Sometimes I wonder whether she thinks it was a bright idea or the dumbest idea I ever had!!
During this episode of sickness I have been struck with concern about losing her. I don't know about other people but she is a member of my family and that thought leaves me panic stricken and in a state of disequalibrium.

Happy Birthday, Ken

Today, April 10th, is Ken's birthday. He always liked to say that his Mom said he was born on a beautiful sunshiny spring day. It has been twelve years since he was alive for his birthday on this good earth. He was the fourth son of six children born to his parents. He had one sister. He was also the fourth to pass away. But today he gets to celebrate his earthly birthday with his Mom and Dad.
I have no idea how life would have been different for him or for us had he been able to live and we grow old together. Which roads or paths would we have taken? No reason to wonder or dream about what can never be. Ken was a quiet person who smiled a lot when he felt comfortable in his skin. He was a student of the scriptures, studied them diligently. and had great faith. I never asked him a scriptural question that he could not answer in great depth. He loved the field of microbiology and his work in mycology. He enjoyed his years working in the field of tuberculosis as well. But when the opportunity came along to work with mycology it offered a new challenge with seemingly a never ending learning curve.
As he got sicker it became clear that he could no longer keep up the pace the work required so he retired several years before he died.
Happy Birthday, my dear. I love and miss you so very much.

It Is Finished, I think

Have you ever wanted to do something well and worn yourself out in the process? Such has been the case with emptying my Mom's home of her earthly belongings and preparing it for sale at the coast. I have worked at this task for approximately three years now and I am sapped. I returned to my primary home in Raleigh yesterday no less confused than I have been for the time I have worked to achieve this task. As I backed out of the house early yesterday morning cleaning my way as I went I had mixed emotions. Is this the move I am supposed to make or is it completely and totally wrong? The real estate agent was scheduled to show up some time yesterday to film the home and site to complete the listing of the property for sale.
Whether she did or not I haven't heard. I came back to Raleigh, took my Sassy schnauzer back to the vet for an appointment and since then I have slumped. I was physically and emotionally exhausted. Now it is time to get on with the rest of my life. What will that be??
Ever since I married Ken I have spent my life between Raleigh and Wilmington. When that home is sold it will be a relief to be only responsible for one home. But is the home I will have left in the place I would rather live?

Good Friday 2010

Yesterday was Good Friday as it is known in the Christian world. As I believe, it is not the true date of Good Friday as recorded in the scriptures however correct they may be according to translation but nevertheless it was the date Good Friday is celebrated for this year except for the Greek Orthodox Catholic religion. (Their celebration usually trails ours as they use the "old calendar.")
It is interesting to be here at the coast on this holiday because of traditions practiced by the religious community. One local church reenacts the crucifixion by a display of three crosses in front of their church with individuals posted on these crosses representing Jesus Christ and the two thieves. Posted below them are the guards all diked out in their Roman red costumes plus the jeering crowd and a gathering of sympathizers clothed in striped fabric of that era. Today if you go by their church you will again see the three crosses but around the middle one will be wrapped a purple cloth representing the risen Christ. I always find this an intriguing or perplexing display. It gives me cause to ponder at length.
While I do not claim to have a vast understanding of the Atonement in spite of time spent studying and thinking about it, I can't help but wonder what each of the individuals who participate in this ritual each year is thinking about the entire act of having the life of our elder brother, Jesus Christ, who was perfect in all things, be given to atone for the sins of mankind -- all of us! Understanding that incredible act in and of itself is most overwhelming. And then trying to comprehend all of the intracacies that accompany this entire happening is most baffling to my finite understanding.

What is it With Trees?

Well, it has happened again. As surely as seasons change the most intriguing of events takes place. I marvel each spring and fall at this happening. I have never understood what it is with trees. Have you noticed that in the last few days they have started putting on their clothes?? I discussed this with my elementary students each year. What is it with trees that they put on their clothes in the Spring when the weather starts to heat up and then things get really warm? Then here they are all fully clothed and it is very, very hot outside. But in about five months or so they start taking off their clothes and throwing them on the ground. Shortly after that it starts to get cool and finally quite cold. It seems to me that trees are so mixed up on this how to dress appropriately thing.

Understanding Myself

Have you ever wondered what you are really up to?? Today I wonder that about myself. I am at my "other home" at the coast. My mother built this home in 1990. She lived in it seven months before she had a massive stroke and my brother (and his children) followed by my sister found her in the floor of her bathroom one Saturday morning when she did not answer the door. The rest is history. She lived a year in a nursing home never again being able to communicate with us in any way. I kept the home when the estate was settled. So as I prepare to sell it now I wonder if I keep dragging my feet at these final tasks I have to do just because deep somewhere inside in those recesses we never understand I do not want to let go. Therefore I can never get on with the task. Could that really be what is going on??
If that is the case, what can I expect when I do let it go? Now a twinge of fear. Am I doing the right thing or not?

Shredding the Past

I have spent a considerable amount of time in the past weeks shredding my past. The enormous amount of paper in my life has got to go. I have held onto records of my past with my now deceased husband or I should say the hard copies of documents that record the everyday happenings of our life together. I also have neatly (and some not so neatly) filed copies of documents of my own since he went away. The time has come to let it all go. A majority of it is neatly filed or boxed as we arranged it from year to year for access should we need it. I no longer need most of it. Having to deal with these items is painful for me. I don't know why -- it is just paper. I seem to bog down in the task as I shred and seek to reorganize anything I feel should be kept. I cannot express how much I detest this task. I wonder if I will ever finish it to my own satisfaction before I leave this good earth. In the meantime I continue to shred and pitch.