There are seasons of the year in my life when I find myself spending much thought on certain personal experiences that cause me pain. During these times I do much heavy soul-searching and often doubt myself and my own ability to repent of actions / behaviors which I would do differently if I could go back in time and know what I know in hindsight. The Fall is one of those times of the year due to happenings of which only I am aware. I found myself in this position this week. Doubting myself seriously.
My husband suffered from and subsequently seemingly lost his life to a vicious disease called Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease. If you research it you will find it is caused by a prion invading the brain tissue. Thus, it becomes a brain wasting disease for which there is no cure by the time it can be diagnosed. In his case as in most, I assume, symptoms do not make themselves manifest until it doesn't leave you much time to prepare, be aware, or deal.
As I saw symptoms in the beginning they were minor things which didn't make sense, so I didn't put two and two together, so to speak. As it rapidly progressed he started to tell me he wasn't sure the best way to get from point A to point B around town. While this caused me concern, I remember talking to him about problem solving and the best way to figure these things out while helping him to do so. And time passed. Rather than belabor my point and because it still causes me pain to go there, I will say no more about that at this time. By the way, the problem solving helps didn't work.
In order to shorten this post, I will simply say, as time passed it became truly frustrating that he could remember less and less and I found myself losing patience with him when I truly should not have. When you lose your patience you sometimes say things you wish you could take back and swallow. Finally, one day he hit a home run with me when his simple reply was, " I just can't help it. I can't remember these things."
I just can't help it! It dawned on me, the light came on! What was going on was beyond his control. No matter how many strategies he knew, no matter how smart he was or how many times he might have done something in prior times, he could not help that his memory was gone. It was beyond his control.
I spend many hours of regret wishing I could re-do these happenings and days -- wondering whether there is truly forgiveness in repentance for this on my part. Does the Atonement really cover and can he forgive me?
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