Rest in Peace, My Precious Girl

Today ranks up there with the saddest days of my life. I have written about and dreaded this day for about seven months. That was when I was told that my older schnauzer girl had a brachial plexus tumor under her right foreleg and further that it had invaded the nervous system. Any treatment done would not cure the cancer so I chose not to treat it but rather to treat my precious Sassy with the best of care and love for her remaining days, keeping her pain-free until her suffering was such that she should go to Schnauzer Heaven. Today was that day.

Since the death of my husband twelve years ago I have not cried. Since learning of the impending loss of this doggie girl I have cried a few buckets full. I have felt so extremely helpless. It was another of those times when I couldn't fix it. When Ken was sick I tried my best to find what was wrong with him. Neither I nor the doctors could fix it. By the time the doctors figured out the cause they realized what he had could not be cured. Such was the case again.
When Sassy was sick she always looked to me for comfort and help. This time I could comfort but was not very good at helping. She remained totally devoted and attached to me until the end and that is one of the reasons my heart is broken as I type these words. She was so very stoic through the very end.
Rest in Peace my wonderful, wonderful girl. I will always love you more than I can say or measure. You were like the daughter I never had. You made my life worth living after the loss of Ken. Each and every morning I had a reason to get up --- you needed me. And I needed you so.

The Sting of Death...

The news of the death of Kaye Young Cowher on Saturday was shocking. Losing loved ones is most always painful and sad. I remember when Kaye and Faye Young played basketball at North Carolina State. I, like many others, was not aware that she had melanoma. My mind went immediately to three young daughters who have now lost their mother before they are married - the youngest of the three having just finished one year of college. The loss of parents is always difficult. I have memories of feeling much like an orphan.
But...Bill Cowher and Kaye Young had been a pair for a long time and married long enough to have grown together as with any good marriage. His words (about her and what she meant to he and his daughters) were very touching. They have experienced much as a couple always at one anothers' side. Obviously, they were best friends.
Today as I saw the video of him at the church for her services I felt that same pain that I experienced some years back when my Ken lost his battle for life. Until one has endured that particular kind of pain you can't appreciate the physical pain one actually endures when you lose your partner. An actual physical pain for an emotional feeling! It hurts beyond the power of words to express. Your chest actually aches and there is an emptiness that nothing can fill. (Not even the winning of a SuperBowl as the Steelers' coach.) Having experienced that which I attempt to describe my heart went out to him this day as he laid her to rest. He will survive the grief that lies ahead but will emerge a different person from the experience.
It will be interesting to see what this pain motivates him to do.

C. S. Lewis said, " Pain is God's megaphone to arouse a deaf world."

Anne Morrow Lindbergh wrote," I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness and the willingness to remain vulnerable."

Honoring MY QUEEN

The limp continued and progressed to a dangling right foreleg. Back to vet we went to say, "The adequan prescribed did not help the limp, it has gotten worse." Off to NC State Vet School campus to the MRI scanning we were sent on Ken's death date anniversary (of all the dates possible.) Then came the painful, dreadful call. Our Queen, Sassy, has cancer -- a brachial plexus tumor which has invaded the spinal cord and other nerves. Proposed treatment: amputate the front foreleg, use chemo and radiation. Proposed result: Buy a little time with the same final result -- there is no cure.
I felt like I had been hit with a startling blow not just in the heart but the whole body. I listened, I thought, and then I asked my vet what would you do? Surprisingly her answer paralled exactly what I was thinking. She gave me the weekend to think about it and promised to leave me some prescriptions to pick up.
After I hung up I held my Queen for what had to be several hours and cried as I stroked her furry body. She has been my lifeline since Ken went away. My family bought her for me for Christmas 1998. She gave me a reason to get up and go and enjoy the day when I was overcome with grief and just didn't feel like it.
How can I ever let her go?

Do dogs have souls? There are lots of opinions out there. Will she be mine and with me in the life here after? I love her like a member of my family even if she is canine. She is very attached to me and totally loyal. And I might add as well, she is dependent on me. So I have dried my tears for now and decided that my Queen will be treated like royality for the days we have left together.

Family Loss

One dreads those early morning phone calls that bring unpleasant news. Such was the case last Monday when my phone rang between 6:30 AM and 7:00 AM. My brother was calling to tell me that my sister had found her husband in the bedroom floor. Not well for about three years my brother-in-law had passed away. Plagued with a heart problem complicated by diabetes it has been some time since he really felt well. Last week was a difficult week for my sister, her son and his family, my brother in law's sister and the rest of us in the extended family as we said our goodbyes to our relative and friend. We look forward to the day when once again we will see him but as a healthy being. That does not mean we are ready to bow out YET.