Sassy Memories

Each day that I visit this blog I sit and look at the picture at the top --- my beloved Sassy schnauzer. As I do I sit and think, "How could I have consented to have her put to sleep?"

"How could I have done this awful thing?" In my mind I revisit the moment in that room when the doctor administered the medicine that stopped her heart. Instantly the thought that I vocalized was, "What have I done? Oh My Lord, I cant' believe that I have done this." My stomach sunk and my heart ached. Even as I write this tears flow.

The curly legs that I look at were always whiter than any other of my dogs, her back and hind quarters that I massaged and rubbed so often. The many days that we spent with me in a certain chair and with my legs crossed just so as she sat on my lap and looked toward the sidelights of the front door and I rubbed her shiny curly fur. We both enjoyed those moments. I did it as long as she was healthy. When the cancer struck it ruined her left front leg and paw and the pain was always there. The paw was no longer of much use to her. Weeks before she went away she had chewed it and made it sore. I thought it was because it had no feeling. The vet told me it was because it hurt so badly. We treated and wrapped it and it got better.

I will always wonder if I should have waited longer to take her out of her misery. I had to depend on the vet for that information. She kept telling me, "you will know." I wonder if I ever really knew or I just knew I was supposed to as she struggled to walk each day and take care of "her business." She stayed where I put her down for the most part. If I nestled her in a spot in a soft comforter she stayed there until I picked her up and took her outside again. I brought her food and her water to her. If she was thirsty she never attempted to get to the water bowls I have for the girls. I gave her the pain medicine regularly. I tried with all my heart to do what was right for her. I wonder if she knew. I told her over and over how much I loved her. I wonder if she ever understood. She trusted me, I loved her. Goodbye for now, my precious girl.

As of this date I have never been able to retrieve her cremated remains from the vet. I paid the bill but I haven't been able to receive the remains. It is yet far too painful.