Sassy Memories

Each day that I visit this blog I sit and look at the picture at the top --- my beloved Sassy schnauzer. As I do I sit and think, "How could I have consented to have her put to sleep?"

"How could I have done this awful thing?" In my mind I revisit the moment in that room when the doctor administered the medicine that stopped her heart. Instantly the thought that I vocalized was, "What have I done? Oh My Lord, I cant' believe that I have done this." My stomach sunk and my heart ached. Even as I write this tears flow.

The curly legs that I look at were always whiter than any other of my dogs, her back and hind quarters that I massaged and rubbed so often. The many days that we spent with me in a certain chair and with my legs crossed just so as she sat on my lap and looked toward the sidelights of the front door and I rubbed her shiny curly fur. We both enjoyed those moments. I did it as long as she was healthy. When the cancer struck it ruined her left front leg and paw and the pain was always there. The paw was no longer of much use to her. Weeks before she went away she had chewed it and made it sore. I thought it was because it had no feeling. The vet told me it was because it hurt so badly. We treated and wrapped it and it got better.

I will always wonder if I should have waited longer to take her out of her misery. I had to depend on the vet for that information. She kept telling me, "you will know." I wonder if I ever really knew or I just knew I was supposed to as she struggled to walk each day and take care of "her business." She stayed where I put her down for the most part. If I nestled her in a spot in a soft comforter she stayed there until I picked her up and took her outside again. I brought her food and her water to her. If she was thirsty she never attempted to get to the water bowls I have for the girls. I gave her the pain medicine regularly. I tried with all my heart to do what was right for her. I wonder if she knew. I told her over and over how much I loved her. I wonder if she ever understood. She trusted me, I loved her. Goodbye for now, my precious girl.

As of this date I have never been able to retrieve her cremated remains from the vet. I paid the bill but I haven't been able to receive the remains. It is yet far too painful.

**Post SASSY...

So today is Sunday as I try to pull myself together. When Ken passed away I learned how to compartmentalize my mind. I think I need to hark back to those practices for a little while as I deal with the raw hurt and missing Sassy. My doctor told me it is OK to compartmentalize so long as you, at some point, pull forth that hurt and deal with it.

Today I am grateful for two little schnauzers, Piper Kensleigh and Kamelot Kamryn. Kami is not quite six months and was acquired as I prepared for the loss of my beloved Sassy. Piper is six years and nine months. I acquired Piper when Sassy was six for a playmate or companion. Sassy had a very, very bad surgery with bladder stones and was quite sick. I felt she needed a daily canine companion and a companion while I was at work. So we got Miss hyper Piper. She has a much different schnauzer personality than sweet Sassy. When Kami gets through this wild puppy stage I suspect she will have a personality much like Sassy. She is a lover right now.

This is the season for giving thanks. Today I am grateful for friends who care. One who sent absolutely gorgeous flowers to me to make me feel better, warm my home atmosphere, know that she cared and to help me feel the love of my Heavenly Father. Another has been my visiting teacher who volunteered to go with me when she realized the time had come for me to send Sassy to Schnauzer Heaven. My family members who understand and offer kind thoughts and condolences. I have many blessings; I am grateful for every single one far too numerous to list.

**It has been several hours since I wrote this post. I have reconsidered the title. It is all wrong.

IT WILL NEVER BE POST SASSY. She will ALWAYS BE WITH ME JUST LIKE KEN,

my mistake.

My Funny Girl

Today the signs have and are manifesting themselves -- unmistakedly. I dreaded for this day to come. Several nights ago I was awakened by her panting at 3 AM. The house was cool enough in this dreadful heat. I lay a moment and listened then I got up and went to her medicine supply and retrieved a pain pill and pill pocket plus a few salmon training treats. I coaxed her into taking these without too much resistance. She then found her choice of places to lay down and relax and after a while she was asleep and the panting had ceased. Today we had a season of panting. Again I got a supply of medication down her but this time in the process I almost got bitten. A first for this " The Queen" of our house. The pain must be bad in the back leg on the right side. Same side as the front affected leg. I intentionally moved my hand toward that leg to get a reaction to verify my thoughts. Each time it was the same -- immediate movement to defend the leg. I felt for the muscles in the leg to see whether they were becoming smaller. I will keep watch to see what is happening and how this progresses.